Say "CHEESE!"

I keep this old picture of my boys and I in a little basket of essentials right next to my bathroom sink.  I look at it every day.  It was taken the night before a local 5K I was planning to run when we lived in Wisconsin.  I was picking up my race packet and someone snapped my picture.  I just look so crazy tired in this picture. 

I remember it was early April.  The boys were still in winter coats, and Bo in his little footie jammies that I continued to put his chunky legs into long after they were his size.  Bo had had a cold that whole past week and hadn’t slept well at all-which meant neither had I.  I remember going into his room to nurse him and rock him back to sleep. It was like 3:30am and I kept nodding off in the rocking chair, and thinking to myself “Why did I sign up for that race?” I was also in nursing school during that time, and I had been up late a few nights studying for a test that week in my pharmacology class.

My outfit in this picture is ridiculous.  Baggy pants that didn’t fit, and an old sweatshirt (I’ll admit is still hanging in my closet).  The picture is faded and has a mark on in, which doesn’t really help.  I was not focused or even caring about new clothes or looking amazing…at all.  There wasn’t time for that.

I look at this picture every morning.  A lot of it is because I just miss them being that little.  (Cam was 5, Ethan was 4, and Bo-Bo was 1 years old).  I don’t miss being in nursing school and the stress that went along with that, and I certainly don’t miss not getting any sleep, but I really miss them being little. It was a time when Cam was small enough for me to tuck him under my armpit for a squeeze, and he still smiled for pictures.  A time when Ethan’s tongue always seemed to be hanging out of his mouth or licking his already-chapped lips (which only made them more chapped).  And a time when Bo LIVED on my left hip.  His squishy cheeks and thick baby thighs were my favorite. 

Besides missing that age, another reason I look at this picture is because it’s a huge reminder to me of how far I’ve come.  Not necessarily as a mom, although I’ve made strides in that department for sure as time goes by.  It seems every age has had it’s challenges, some more than others.  But my boys are happy, healthy, thriving kids and that’s really all that matters to me.  It seems, though, that when you are a parent, no one tells you early on when your kids are little that you will have to grow right along with them.  This includes knowing when to step in and help and when to give them the space they need to figure things out on their own. 

And it’s not necessarily how far I’ve come as a runner either.  While I have had moments to shine and goals set and met even well into adulthood, I’ve come to realize that running is sort of like owning a great car…It starts out fast and in great shape, then often starts to break down slowly and even depreciate over time, mostly from years and years of mileage.  But if you love it, you still take it for a ride, as long as it will let you.

The truth is, I like to look at this picture because it is a huge reminder of how far I’ve come as a human being. This was taken almost a decade ago…and a million things have happened in that time that I have gotten to add to my list of life experiences as well as accomplishments.  Of course, there have been plenty of mistakes made, “parent fails” and disappointments over the years.  NO one on this planet is perfect.  And LIFE is not perfect. It’s not meant to be.  But if you told me on that evening when I picked up that packet that I would go on to live in two more states, become a school nurse for 5 years, go to a million baseball games for our three (not so little) ballplayers, go on to run more than a dozen other races/marathons, and then pursue a new career in writing books full time, I would not have believed you. 

I ended up winning that little 5K the next day too, after this picture was taken.  I like to think about that too.  As exhausted as I was, I just did it. I pushed the tiredness aside and went after it.

 Sometimes looking at the past helps us appreciate the present, and in turn, paves the way for an even brighter future, no matter what your age.  Half the battle in attaining that big bright future is just believing you can.